LOS GATOS, CA—In a major reversal of its long-declining numbers, streaming service Netflix released a quarterly report Thursday showing it had gained over 2 million subscribers by making the characters in its shows subscribe to Netflix. “The Bridgerton family, those teens from 13 Reasons Why, Grace and Frankie—they are all now subscribers to Netflix,” said CEO Ted Sarandos, who confirmed that everybody trapped in the Upside Down from Stranger Things was paying $19.99 for a premium Netflix plan. “Really, anytime any of the characters from your favorite Netflix shows aren’t on screen, it means they’re in the other room watching Netflix. We even have Dahmer logging in. He loves Space Force. The best part is that the more spin-offs and sequels we make, the more subscribers we get. Soon, we won’t need anybody who isn’t a character on a Netflix show to subscribe at all.” At press time, Netflix had reportedly lost all 2 million new subscribers after the characters were driven to suicide by the discovery of their own lives playing out on screen.