America is a nation whose strength has long derived from its diversity. Even in the bedroom, U.S. citizens vary not just in their tastes, but also in what diseases they’ve contracted on what orifices while sleeping with each other. That, more than anything else, is what defines this country’s greatness. Here, The Onion looks at the most common sexually transmitted infection in every state.
Pubic mice
Tongue stuck to frozen penis
Vaginal dementia
Dang racoon crawled up in there again
Undisclosed due to NDAs
Genital altitude sickness
Penis withering after entering vagina over age 25
Something that’s both swollen and hard and also wet and inflamed. It’s bad, whatever it is.
Iguana dong
Bacterial antebellum
Pubic fire
Hepotato B
Crotch beef
Marital warts
Scarecrow papillomavirus
Lonesome penis
Horse PV
A-well, ah say, ah say, ah say, genital herpes
Can’t get STIs all alone in the lighthouse
The golf clap
The Green Monster
Lead In Discharge
Cool Whip fused to nipples
No data due to lack of healthcare system
The Mark Of The Devil
Lasso burns
Inflamed cob
Slot rot
Genitals stuck together by sap
The Situation
Testicles cracked open to check for geode
Forced to resign from political position
Plantation simplex
Dirt burn
The Cincinnati Special
Blue ribbon-winning, 250-pound herpes blister
Proudly unshaven genital warts
Rumspringa’s revenge
Pussy barnacles
Fall-off-the-groin chlamydia
Seven-layer genital rash
Saddle burn
Vagina acquiring gun
Damnation
Brainfreeze from eating pussy too fast
[Classified]
Amazon Basics ™ Genital Herpes
Genital rabies
Third-degree burns from sensual cheese sauce
Jackson Inflamed Hole