Whether the incident was humiliating, disappointing, or just two sad people laboriously smashing their disgusting bodies together in a fit of passion, Americans never forget their first time. The Onion examines the most common first sexual experiences by state.
Mandatory genital inspection
Dry humping for warmth
Getting jerked off by nurse at old people’s home
Prematurely ejaculated on by Bill Clinton
Handsy Nickelodeon producer
Tugjob during school shooter drill
Masturbating in closet while maid makes bed
Making two clams kiss
Girls Gone Wild taping
Everyone in family sharing one big bed so it’s game-on when the lights go out
Unexpected visit from very horny dolphin
With conversion therapy camp counselor
Taking pants off from being too full and figuring you may as well masturbate
Holding own hand
With wife on wedding night and it was worth every second of the wait! We love you so much, Tabitha.
Pressing genitals against 160-mph tornado winds
Rubbing butts together
Getting fingered just as the levees burst during hurricane Katrina and always thinking it was your sins that caused it
Grinding on L.L. Bean mannequin
In basement of Comet Ping Pong
Cannot disclose due to settlement with archdiocese
Having every hole filled by robot on factory assembly line
Apologizing 30 times during 15-second hand job
Having their undercarriage tickled by a catfish’s whiskers while taking a dip in the bayou
Dual celebration for prom/wedding night
Fish tugging on string tied to penis
Seeing picture of Kool-Aid Man for first time
Teasing slot with tip of quarter
A handjob in the movie theatre seeing Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire. Feeling yourself getting close to the edge as Harry dives underwater to save his friends during the Tri-Wizard tournament. Seeing Harry use the “ascendio” spell to shoot out of the Hogwarts lake will forever be burned into your young mind as it perfectly synced up to what was happening all over your pants. But then, suddenly, the rush of shame.
Sex in a tanning bed
Using a rattlesnake rattle as a vibrator
Routine stop-and-frisk
Whatever she said happened, she’s lying
Sex with the frozen body of a dead traveler
Covered up by Jim Jordan
Losing virginity at 16 and then becoming a born-again virgin and losing virginity again at 18 and becoming a born-again virgin again and losing virginity a third time at age 25
Sensually shaving moss off tumescent tree
Unbelievably fucked-up Amish shit
Giving reach-around to polo horse
Hooking up in last row of Klan meeting
Whatever a great and profound loneliness hath wrought
Grinding on partner through three inches of denim
Big Mouth Billy Bass stuff
Imagination running wild during Bible story
Sneaking into the adults-only flavor section at Ben and Jerry’s
A crime
Illicit bigfoot encounter
Blowjob from a jar of loose teeth
Getting picked to spend seven minutes in heaven with bratwurst
Watching two horses fuck