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Men Explain Why They Prefer Low-IQ Wives

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No matter how vacuous and empty a man’s brain is, his life partner should always be dumber. The Onion asked men why they prefer low-IQ wives, and this is what they said.

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Daniel Barnes, Historian

Daniel Barnes, Historian

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“Whatever the reason, my preference is in no way a reflection of my own insecurities as a man.”

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Isaiah Valdez, Gravedigger

Isaiah Valdez, Gravedigger

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“I’m a simple guy. I just want a nice, traditional woman I can easily manipulate.”

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Jack Thompson, Welder

Jack Thompson, Welder

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“It makes it easier to explain to them why I have so many other wives.”

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Frank Alonzo, Optician

Frank Alonzo, Optician

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“I’m the dumbest person at work, and I’m sure as hell not coming home to being the dumbest person there too.”

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Todd Polk, Construction Worker

Todd Polk, Construction Worker

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“A woman who can think for herself is always less than a month from breaking up with me.”

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Randall Judd, Microbiologist

Randall Judd, Microbiologist

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“It would feel good to win at Connect Four for once.”

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Mack Bowers, Economist

Mack Bowers, Economist

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“I feel more secure in a relationship when I prevail at sorting objects by shape and even color.”

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Brian Pearlman, Chef

Brian Pearlman, Chef

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“It’s a lot easier to cheat on someone when you can just distract them by ringing a small bell.”

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Doug Vreeland, Mechanic

Doug Vreeland, Mechanic

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“A marriage between equals has the best chance to succeed.”

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Eric Deming, Delivery Driver

Eric Deming, Delivery Driver

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“They’re easier to steal money from.”

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Howard Sahlman, Building Inspector

Howard Sahlman, Building Inspector

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“Even though IQ is an arbitrary rubric, it’s good to have a number to throw in their faces when they disagree with you.”

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Kyle Hotchkiss, Musician

Kyle Hotchkiss, Musician

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“I prefer a cool, low-maintenance woman who’s happy just being locked in a barn with some lettuce after sex.”

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Jon Robinson, Psychologist

Jon Robinson, Psychologist

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“There’s nothing more endearing to me in a partner than someone who repeatedly steps on rakes that pop up and hit them in face.”

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Brandon Kirk, Contractor

Brandon Kirk, Contractor

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“What can I say? I want dumb kids.”

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Randy Mireaux, Veterinarian

Randy Mireaux, Veterinarian

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“My last sex doll got really arrogant and bitchy after it received its master’s, so I’m not dealing with that again.”

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Tristan Morrow, Doctor

Tristan Morrow, Doctor

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“I refuse to budge from my belief that Chester A. Arthur is the current U.S. president, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.”

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Eric Landry, Parts Specialist

Eric Landry, Parts Specialist

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“It sounds like eugenics, so I’m on board.”

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