Following the couple’s high-profile marriage and and ensuing exit from their positions as working royals, Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have opened up about what it’s really like to be a member of the royal family. The Onion spoke to the pair about their current projects, parenthood, and life outside the royal circle.
Meghan: “We both used to be briefcase girls on Deal Or No Deal.”
Harry: “Hahaha! We get that all the time.”
Meghan: “Wait, he wore what?!”
Harry: “Murdering everyone in my family and seizing the throne.”
Meghan: “I thought it was pretty clear that the real reason is that he’s a dumb bitch.”
Harry: “Well, I wouldn’t consider us ‘wealthy’ per se. Maybe just comfortable.”
Harry: “Financially, it’s been a bit of a strain, but with our $100 million Netflix deal and some DoorDashing on the weekends, we manage to make it work.”
Harry: “People often see my pale skin and think I’m very sick, potentially that I’ll die immediately. And I have to explain that this isn’t right.”
Meghan: “As a child, I grew up wishing I could be imprisoned by dozens of inbred lunatics who distrust me because I have darker skin, so yeah, it’s been amazing!”
Harry: “I know this. Meghan has been issued a hall pass for her crush, Idris Elba. At least he’s an Englishman!”
Meghan: “And Harry has the same hall pass for Prince William, which he’s used many, many, many times.”
Meghan: “What? No. What a stupid fucking question.”
Harry: “I don’t know her name, but she was a background extra in the season-one episode ‘Tricks Of The Trade.’”
Meghan: “I was in England and was nauseous all the time. Throwing up from morning until night. Always queasy. So when I started feeling better, I knew something was up.”
Harry: “It’s definitely more hands-on than I expected, seeing as we employ about one-twentieth of the housekeeping staff we’d have at Buckingham.”
Meghan: “Motherhood is much more lucrative than I thought.”
Meghan: “Harry’s piece of the pie is shrinking rapidly. Why slice it into even smaller parts?”
Meghan: “By creating an impenetrable palace of lies in a wealthy, walled-off community where our children can never meet anyone outside the 1%.”
Meghan: “I don’t think he is—”
Harry: “Sorry, I think that was addressed to me?”
Meghan: “No, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. The interviewer was looking directly at me. So, yeah, you’re confused. You’re making yourself look foolish. Did you research me at all, you idiot?”
Meghan: “Duchess Tippleworth von Hagglesnotch, Duchess of Sussex.”
Harry: “Big H.”
Harry: “Every single person in the United Kingdom, Australia, Canada, Bermuda, the British Virgin Islands, the Cayman Islands, the Falkland Islands, and Turks and Caicos.”
Harry: “Yes, they’ve set an electrified cage off to the side where I will sit naked until it is over.”
Harry: “I honestly don’t see why you can’t have both!”
Harry: “I miss when we’d wake up in the morning and there she’d be, paintbrush in her hand, trying to paint Meghan white.”
Meghan “When she was concerned about the race of our child maybe?”
Harry: “Or how about when she killed my mom?”
Harry: “I saw an ad on Craigslist for a really great apartment that was super cheap and just knew we had to have it. It turned out to be a scam, and they stole my $1,500 deposit, but it definitely got us interested in moving there.”
Meghan: “How do you know that? Are you a stalker or something? Oh my God, Harry, call the police. This person is fucking insane. I was 13, you pervert.”
Harry: “Our foundation supplies trips to the water park for the incontinent.”
Harry and Meghan: “The chuffed lorry.”
Harry: “Yeah, there’s really no reason why any of you lot should care about us, and yet here we are.”
Harry: “Nope, we don’t think so.”
Meghan: “Yes, but I’m used to the American English word for it, which is ‘Black.’”
Harry: “Pass.”
Meghan: “Pass.”