BELLINGHAM, WA—Relief spreading through him as he achieved what he had long considered the perfect crime, local man Dylan Gerber secretly watched his own funeral Friday from inside his coffin after faking his own death. “Little do these fools know, I’ll be six feet underground long before they realize I’m not dead,” said Gerber, a small smile creeping onto his otherwise frozen face as he realized that he had successfully pulled one over on all the suckers burying him alive. “No more debt collectors, and no more work or family obligations. I’m free to do whatever I want down here. And all I had to do was endure several excruciating hours of getting formaldehyde and paraffin wax injected into my veins.” At press time, Gerber chuckled to himself realizing he was truly in the clear after the last of the dirt was laid atop him and everyone had gone home.