SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying that the heart wants what the heart wants, local man Ross Weber told reporters Monday that he had a real thing for blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans of pure breeding stock. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a naturally blond woman with an undiluted bloodline and membership in the master race that really turns me on,” said Weber, insisting that while he had nothing against women with darker complexions whose heritage had been sullied through interbreeding with “the mud races,” they just didn’t do anything for him. “I guess I’ve always been attracted to blue-eyed girls with a square jaw, narrow nose, and other Nordic features—the ones who, through their ability to produce white offspring, can combat the rising tide of color. Don’t ask me why. And though I’m honestly not that picky, whenever I find out that a woman’s ancestry includes even one single drop of Asian or African blood, it’s sort of a deal breaker for me.” Reached for comment on Weber’s remarks, numerous women without blond hair and blue eyes expressed deep sadness that the pasty, overweight, culturally illiterate man living in his mother’s basement would never want to date them.