COLUMBUS, OH—Claiming they had already made up their minds, area man Karl Wooley told reporters Tuesday that he felt like the bystanders who were urging him to put his gun down were arguing in bad faith. “If I’m being honest, it sort of feels like these onlookers are only thinking of themselves when they tell me to drop my pistol,” said Wooley, who observed that no one had even asked him to explain his reasoning for shouting at the top of his lungs and waving around a semiautomatic firearm. “Truth be told, they poisoned the well the second they tried to tackle me and forcibly rip the gun from my hands. But the worst part is how condescending they are—saying things like, ‘Hey, buddy, you don’t really want to do this.’ Maybe if they’d bothered to find out where I’m coming from and what my thoughts on the matter are, they’d know this is exactly what I want to be doing.” At press time, Wooley was reportedly shaking his head at how disrespectful his victims had become when they began resorting to ad hominem attacks like “You’re a monster” as he shot them to death.