The Onion asked children how Disney had preyed on them, brainwashed them, and forced them to identify as LGBTQIA+ through the studio’s woke, sexualized movies, and this is what they said.
Kids Explain How Disney Turned Them Gay
Harrison France, 13
“It was pretty much instant for me the moment a nonspeaking background character in a Pixar movie was vaguely coded as bisexual.”
Stuart Howe, 10
“Goofy is an intensely sexual character, and there’s no denying that.”
Ian Telleride, 9
“Sure, Onward turned me gay, but then Cinderella made me straight, Ratatouille turned me into a rat, and Up turned me into a grumpy old guy, so now I don’t know what I am!”
Michael Biles, 14
“I’m bisexual, actually. And that’s because of DreamWorks, not Disney.”
Jackson, 12
“I saw The Parent Trap and heterosexual relationships seem like a lot of work.”
Rajan Mackwell, 17
“I remember being so turned on when the company underwent a strategic reorganization, segmenting the corporation into Disney Parks, Experiences and Products, Direct to Consumer, and International. I still get chills.”
Dhiraj Godkhindi, 12
“The shape of Epcot Center unlocked something in me.”
Jason Romano, 8
“Bob Iger came into my classroom and showed us hardcore gay porn for two hours, and then forced the boys to kiss the boys.”
Samantha Kessler, 11
“I saw The Haunted Mansion last week and it was so boring I fell asleep and had a sex dream about my hot teacher Ms. McKinny and realized I might be gay.”
Leo Burns, 10
“All I know is that after I saw a Black Ariel in The Little Mermaid, I turned Black, then I turned gay.”
Arianna Barker, 13
“I don’t want to put all the blame on Mrs. Potts, but she’s got a figure that can’t be beat.”
Paula Killian, 17
“I went to Disney World once. Now, 10 years later, I’m openly gay. Seems pretty straightforward.”
Libby Mayesfield, 10
“Their wishy-washy activism and tepid denouncement of homophobia finally gave me the courage to accept who I am.”
Emma Gomez, 13
“I think it was because Mary Poppins was nude most of the movie.”
Rebecca LaRossa, 7
“That scene in Pinocchio where he broke the fourth wall and told me I’d be a lesbian.”
Anthony Vazquez, 13
“It was actually the woke brainwashing of critical race theory being taught in my elementary school that turned me gay.”
Connie Lautner, 16
“Seeing all 21 episodes and two specials of Disney’s Fairy Tale Weddings has put me off heterosexual relationships forever.”