JERUSALEM—Moaning aloud and appearing to bleed profusely as He descended from the heavens, Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of Mankind, was reportedly still nailed to the cross Thursday when He returned for the Second Coming. “I always thought that when He came back He would float down from the sky on a cloud or something, but instead He was attached to the cross and He was screaming and then He face-planted—hard—on the Mount of Olives,” said Marcos Nasser, a local Christian who added that passersby had managed to set the cross upright, but when the Son of God asked them to remove the nails, they had shrugged, apologized for not having any tools, and wandered off. “He’s still emaciated, and He must have lost a lot of blood, because those stigmata don’t look like they’ve healed up at all. If I’m being honest, He doesn’t look like He’s come again in glory to judge the living and the dead. The guy’s a mess.” Later reports confirmed the bottom part of the cross had snapped off, allowing Jesus to hop around a little, but His outstretched arms were making it difficult for Him to walk through doors, let alone smite God’s enemies in the Battle of Armageddon.