Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in Las Vegas last weekend, the latest development in one of Hollywood’s most dramatic romances in recent memory. The Onion sat down with the newlyweds for an exclusive interview on the timeline of their on-again, off-again relationship.
1998
Jennifer Lopez: “I was invited to the premiere of Armageddon, and I had a seat next to Ben, but I ended up playing the claw machine game in the theater’s lobby for three hours straight and missed the whole movie. I guess it just wasn’t our time yet.”
2001
Ben Affleck: “Like a lot of young men at the time, I took the shock of 9/11 as a sign that I should be dating Jennifer Lopez.”
2002
Lopez: “The tabloids started referring to us as Bennifer, having ignored my suggested nickname, The Two People.”
2006
Affleck: “I appeared in Smokin’ Aces, playing Las Vegas bail bondsman Jack Dupree. This doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship with Jennifer, I just feel this movie never got the respect it deserves.”
2011
Lopez: “In 2011, Ben and I were actually having a secret fling, but then I realized it was a different white guy yelling about sports.”
2013
Affleck: “I accidentally ran Jen over with my car, but she didn’t know it was me, and I didn’t tell her it was me because I didn’t want my insurance premium to go up, so we never had the chance to chat.”
2014:
Lopez: “My divorce from Marc Anthony was a really difficult time. I think it’s because so many of Marc’s songs are about Ben. It was hard to listen to ‘The Arms Of Big, Strong Ben Affleck’ and ‘Dance With Me, Ben Affleck’ on repeat and not wonder what Ben was up to.”
2017:
Lopez: “That was the year I started dating Alex Rodriguez, my soulmate and the man I should have married. I love you, Alex.”
2018
Affleck: “It wasn’t until I finally got around to watching Gigli that I realized Jen and I were meant to be together.”
2022
Lopez: “We finally have what we always wanted: A guaranteed cover story on the celebrity gossip magazines in our back pocket for whenever we decide to get divorced.”