Florida governor and GOP presidential candidate Ron DeSantis recently unveiled an immigration policy in which he proposes eliminating birthright citizenship and authorizing border patrol officials to use deadly force. The Onion asked immigrants what they thought about DeSantis, and this is what they said.
“I remember him from Guantánamo. He always wanted to torture us but could never really punch hard enough for it to hurt.”
“At first, I disapproved of DeSantis’s statements about immigrants, but then I looked at my bank account, realized I’d passed the seven-figure mark, and thought, ‘Eh, this guy probably has my back.’”
“Fat.”
“What the fuck? Are you trying to out me to immigration authorities? Leave me alone. I don’t want any part of whatever the fuck you’re doing here.”
“As an immigrant from England, I couldn’t be more disgusted with what this man has said about my migrant brothers and sisters.”
“As a conservative immigrant from Cuba, I am proud to misunderstand my country’s history, and I support DeSantis completely.”
“I’m sorry, but as a working-class American, I have multiple jobs and am too busy to know who that is or have a strong opinion of him.”
“What? No, you’re mistaken. My name is Casey DeSantis, and I’m an American from Ohio. Never been to the Czech Republic, certainly never met any schoolchildren there. Not even one special brouček named Anastasya whom I miss every day and who—if she’s reading this—needs to know Maminka loves her.”
“He needs to go back to Jacksonville or whatever third-world American town he came from.”
“I actually just fled a dictator with unnervingly bad interpersonal skills and an oddly high voice, so I’d rather not have to go through that again.”
“On the one hand, I’m disappointed in how he’s dehumanized immigrants like myself. On the other hand, I’m a fucking insanely strict Catholic who believes women who get first-term abortions should be given the death penalty. So I’m kind of left in the lurch here.”
“He doesn’t have that racist ‘wow’ factor that I’d sacrifice my life for, but I’d definitely take a punch or two for him.”
“I bet DeSantis couldn’t even find my country on a map. I bet he couldn’t even find a map. He’d probably go around saying something like ‘Where is that big picture with the different-colored shapes? Where is the large framed painting of all the little odd-shaped fellows with the lines and the blue all around them? What is that thing? Is it after me? Should I be afraid of it?”
“What-a did-a my no-good son-a say about Italian immigrants like a-me this a-time?”
“I’m Argentinean and my last name is von Seelstrang, if that tells you anything about my politics.”
“I actually think it’s pretty cute that all the wars the United States fought while he was in the military were for no reason and only enhanced his life.”
“He’s a big ol’ goofball, just like me.”
“He told me to go back to Mexico.”
“My husband absolutely hates the guy, so naturally I’m becoming a fan.”
“I would say he’s like a less-charismatic version of Sali Berisha with 10 times the incompetence, but I guess you’d have to know Albanian politics to get that.”
“I completely understand hating people like me because you’ve been brainwashed by the capitalist media into blaming immigrants for the problems wrought by our nation’s business and political leaders, but do you really have to be so loud and obnoxious about it?”
“Back in my home country, I was Ron DeSantis.”