On Feb. 24, 2022, I—Vladimir Putin—sent troops into Ukraine to conduct a special military operation. As the president of Russia, I obviously expected resistance from leaders of certain key world powers, but I must say I’ve been surprised at how the United States, specifically, has reacted.
What gives? I thought this was the shit America liked! I thought invasions, war, and unprovoked aggression against a small, far less militarized nation was kind of like, your thing, you know? What am I missing here?
I mean, seriously, this is your shit to a tee! Choosing a country, making up an excuse to invade that country, and then bombing the living fuck out of that country until it’s yours for the taking? That definitely sounds a lot like someone I know.
Maybe I totally misread this situation, but I expected you guys to be at least a tiny bit excited that I attempted to assassinate a country’s elected leader and replace him with someone loyal to me. That type of plan has America written all over it! You love it. And it’s okay! Don’t pretend you don’t!
Tanks? Yes! Biological weapons? Duh. Thermobaric explosions that suck the oxygen out of the atmosphere and instantly incinerate people alive? You guys eat that shit up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and we both know it.
Yum, yum, yum. Eat it up! Here comes the train. Choo-choo!
I have to tell you, I did expect some pushback. I expected you to get all high and mighty, call me a monster, and accuse me of war crimes. But I didn’t expect you to be so goddamned bitchy.
Because there’s no way you don’t actually like this. I know you. I am you!
Biden, come on, man! You’ve got to admit it was fun to rally the troops to invade Afghanistan. Or when hundreds of thousands of civilians died in Iraq. That was a total blast, right? Also, can I just say your military wrote the book on how to bomb a hospital and get away with it? Honestly, I don’t even know who you are anymore.
Maybe you’re scared to admit it, but I know how it feels to sit back, press a button, and order one of the biggest militaries in the world to level an entire country. You can play dumb with me all you want, but believe me, we both love it. Embrace it!
I mean, you guys totally destroyed Central America. And Vietnam. Don’t even get me started on what you did to the Middle East. Faking all that WMD shit was fucking awesome. Like, why didn’t I think of that?
Honestly, though, I do think it’s a bit odd and, frankly, immature that you’re acting so upset about this. Why punish me with sanctions just for showing you a good time? Is it because I’m attacking white people? I guess you’re probably jealous because you don’t get to do that. But you could!
Would it help if I used nukes? I’ve got nukes up the wazoo. And you love nukes! The only place that has as many nukes as Russia is, well, you!
Actually, what am I saying? It’s not like you’ve intervened. You haven’t established a no-fly zone, and you’re certainly not going to let Ukraine into NATO. The most you’ve done is send weapons, which only prolongs this. So maybe you do love it?
Yes. Yes, you do! You love every part of this. Which is great, because if you love this, you’re really going to love it when I go after Poland, Slovakia, Czechia, Belarus, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Hungary, and Austria!
Yep. You’ll eat that shit up, too. Yes, you fucking will. Because you love it. We all do!