How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

Gay or straight, traveling is expensive and she’ll understand.

No one, but no one, would ever try to wedge even a smidgen of guilt between a person and their poor sickly pig.

She knows you’ve been getting closer to the terrorist organization over the past year and this is an obvious next step.

She’ll be able to manipulate and wage psychological warfare on so many people she probably won’t even notice you’re gone!

You idiot! You incredible stupid moron! It’s your RIGHT foot that’s always sore! Why did you blow your cover like that?

She will be thrilled not to have you and your exhausting talking points at the table.

Hey, it’s hard to argue with that!

And you know how big into swimming your mom is. Plus, she’s superstitious and has always harbored an intense ardor for Churchill, that big old beautiful Britisher himself. This is a foolproof, easy way to let your mom down gently.

Sometimes when delivering difficult news to a parent, it’s best to let them down gently.

If your parents celebrate Christmas, saying you’ve converted to Judaism for the upcoming year is a surefire way to avoid going home.

Surely she had your siblings so they could share the responsibility of keeping her company in her old age?

Moms famously hate religion, so this will go over well.

Oh ho ho, look who decided to clearly communicate like some kinda fucking adult?

Just tell her you can visit once you saw your arm off with a pocket knife.

She’ll get the message.

This is disappointing, but at least lets her know everything in your life is going swell.

Explain to your mom that gambling addiction is a disease, and you’ll be seeking healthcare at Nini’s Video Gaming Cafe.

You don’t need to spend Thanksgiving together to be thankful.

Just put it in a Ziploc bag alongside your presents.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.