How Much Do You Know About The Founding Of America?

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Prove that you’re a true patriot who loves their country by correctly answering these questions about the founding of America.

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Q: Who’s this?

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A: Yep, that’s Elizabethtown star Kirsten Dunst. That was an easy one. But we promise it will only get harder from here.

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Q: Where and when was America officially founded?

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A: China, 2000 B.C.

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Q: Who founded the United States?

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A: Professor America

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Q: What war was fought to establish America as its own country?

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A: Jesus Christ, they fought a war? For this? What the hell? Who would fight a war to end up with this? What were they thinking?

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Q: Why did the Americans fight the revolution?

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A: Fuck, man, I don’t know. That was so long ago. Can we just drop it?

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Q: Name the original 13 American colonies that would later become the first states of the union.

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A: New York; New Jersey; New Connecticut; New Boston; New New Hampshire; Amish Area; Denton, TX; Clam Island; Crabville; London; the Vatican; Slut City; and South Slut City.

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Q: What was the first official state?

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A: Delaware, and they’ve been coasting on that one accomplishment ever since.

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Q: How old is America?

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A: Thirty and flirty.

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Q: Who was Benjamin Franklin?

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A: The first winner of American Idol.

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Q: What is the meaning behind the phrase “No taxation without representation”?

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A: Fed up by the passing of the Tea Act in 1773, members of the Sons of Liberty crept out late one night and got the phrase tattooed on their lower backs.

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Q: What was the Declaration of Independence?

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A: A book written by Thomas Jefferson and published by HarperCollins whose full title was The Declaration Of Independence: Why The British People Will Stop At Nothing To Destroy You And How You Can Reignite The Virtue Of America.

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Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

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A: The Founding Fathers signed the document over some beer and wings at the Philadelphia Hooters across the street from Independence Hall.

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Q: How many people signed the Declaration of Independence?

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A: The document features the signatures of four Founding Fathers, as well as three band stickers, the address of a milkmaid Alexander Hamilton tried to pick up, and the phrase “U2 sucks” scrawled in an unknown hand.

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Q: Did these guys, like, get down?

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A: Oh, yeah, baby. Totally nasty as fuck.

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Q: Why did the Founding Fathers choose a bald eagle to represent America?

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A: An eagle flew into the open window of the Pennsylvania State House, addressing them calmly but firmly and making eye contact with each Founding Father as it argued that it would make an excellent symbol of American virtues. After it flew away, they agreed that it was strange this happened, but that they should probably honor the eagle’s wishes.

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Q: What do Americans celebrate every year on July 4?

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A: The birth of Steve Rannazzisi

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Q: What texts did the Founders rely on to craft the new Constitution?

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A: Common Sense by Thomas Paine, An Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke, and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max

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Q: What shall we do to mark the blessed Founder’s Day?

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A: A sacrifice is in order. Ready the boy.

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Q: What about all that stuff with Native Americans?

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A: Oh, right. This slideshow would like to acknowledge that it sits on unceded land rightfully belonging to the Potawatomi, Kickapoo, and Peoria tribes. All good?

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Q: What year was the United States founded?

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A: 3776. Cyber China has fallen. A new constitutional astropublic arises in its place. Or rather, an old one. A most ancient one…

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Q: Who is America named after?

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A: The country is named after Grammy-winning soft-rock trio America, whose hit “A Horse With No Name” rose to No. 1 on the Billboard charts in 1972 when the government was finally getting around to giving the nation a proper name.

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Q: How many calories are in one almond?

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A: Huh? Wrong slideshow. Get help!

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Q: When will America cease to exist?

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A: When we all stop believing in it.

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