Men Explain How They Think An Abortion Works

“Same way I got rid of the chipmunks digging up my lawn—you plug all the other escape routes with a cork and put a lit stick of dynamite in the trouble hole.”

“Something to do with eating a bunch of Papa Johns, but I’m hazy on the specifics.”

“Tampon goes up. Fetus comes out.”

“Superconducting electromagnets create a strong magnetic field that causes two high-energy particle beams traveling close to the speed of light to collide, producing a massive—wait, sorry. That’s how the Hadron Collider works. I don’t know how abortion works.”

“I guess I always figured a blender was involved.”

“Ask my wife. She’s the one who handles those sorts of things.”

“Cannonball to the belly.”

“You listen to God and God tells you what to do, and if He demands you give birth, then you do that, and if He gives you incredibly detailed instructions for how to perform your own abortion, you do that too.”

“First, they draw a big pentagram on the floor.”

“You drive to Hillary Clinton’s house and give her a $10 bill. She bites it to make sure it’s real, and then she sucker punches you in the stomach. My girlfriend’s had three of them.”

“Tiny guillotine.”

“You pay $600 and the problem just sort of goes away on its own.”

“You take one sip of wine.”

“The doctor crawls inside of the womb to shake the fetus’s tiny hand before hitting it over the head with a frying pan.”

“It’s like ‘Scrunch,’ ‘Pow-pow-pow,’ ‘Nyeeee,’ ‘Awooga, awooga,’ ‘Buh buh buh,’ ‘HONK HONK.’”

“You go to the top of the Statue of Liberty and then fall down all of the stairs.”

“They give the fetus a coupon for one free ride on a zip line, the path of which starts at the cervix and ends in a trash can.”

“The fetus does a little tap dance, and then the doctor yanks it out with a cane.”

“The woman spreads her legs and blasts the fetus out onto a target painted on the wall. Depending on how close the fetus splatters to the bull’s-eye, that’s how many taxpayer dollars she gets.”

“Gun to the fetus’s head, quick and easy.”

“Simple. A revivalist minister places his hand on your pregnant belly and just like that no more baby.”

“A woman puts her breast onto the mammogram machine, and boom, it smashes the baby out.”

“Not really sure, but if it’s all done correctly, the woman dies.”

“They’re all done by some trans person who killed real doctors to impersonate them. They yank the bloody fetus out of the womb screaming ‘Critical race theory!’ and then dress it up in drag so they can have sex with it.”

“Well, the first thing that needs to happen is to make sure my wife doesn’t find out.”

“Castanets. No fetus can resist the intoxicating call of the flamenco.”

“A witch doctor lights some candles and speaks some Latin words backwards, then Satan comes and takes the baby soul to hell.”

“Whatever it is, it ends in a shame that she will feel until the day she dies!”

“They go inside the woman’s uterus and paint a tunnel on the wall and then the fetus runs into it, thinking it’s a real tunnel.”

“After the fetus is out, everyone takes turns throwing baseballs at it.”

“You dance till it dies.”

“All I know is that they celebrate by doing double Dutch with the umbilical cord.”

“Vagina trebuchet.”

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