Favorite Snack In Every State

Breast milk

Own frostbitten fingers

Flamin’ Hot Dementia Pills

Twice-tortured chicken

This new powder called Quorl. Have you heard of it? It’s eviscerated mandrake root, and you just inject it three times a day between your toes instead of a snack. It’s awesome.

Other avalanche survivor

Martini splashed on face after wife discovers affair

Sour gravel

Lit firework mistaken for a Push Pop

A nice bite out of a fresh, juicy Georgia potato

A spoonful of sunblock

Potato ceviche

Whatever will give them the most diarrhea

Industrial runoff

10,000 pounds of soybeans

Whatever you have around. They don’t mean to be a bother.

Glass of top-shelf tequila

Whatever floats up to the surface after throwing a stick of dynamite into the swamp

Vending machine lobster

Tears of 10,000 grieving widows of sailors lost at sea

Own teeth after sucker punched

Tire roasted over trash-can fire

A fingerful of Cool Whip

Meemaw-style nubbins

Heartburn medication

Expired canned corn from bunker

Handful of Beer Nuts while wondering what the fuck happened

Cigarette ash floating in a glass of cheap scotch that’s been sitting on a blackjack table for nine hours

Gas station boner pills

Just a snack? No, no, you gotta eat. Sit down, we’ll have osso buco. What, you’re too good to spend time with your mother?

Turquoise jerky

Most New Yorkers have been priced out of snacks.

Chew

Whatever’s in the trap

Fentanyl, unfortunately

Dust

$19 doughnut

Jerry Sandusky’s Famous Tuna Noodle Casserole

Against Protestant work ethic to eat snack

[redacted due to excessive use of slurs]

Anything that can be spat

None of your fuckin’ business. How’s that for your little slideshow? Fuck you comin’ ’round here askin’ questions like that for? Now get off my property before I have to bury you in it.

72-ounce ribeye in under one hour

Caffeine-free meth

Syrup-slathered stack of Brawny paper towels

Deemed highly classified information by the Pentagon

Way too much of an edible. Fuck, fuck, fuck…

Snackin’ teeth

Cholesterol Bites

Snack-sized bison

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