Embarrassing Mistakes Every College Freshman Makes

Thanks to Hollywood movies, everyone thinks they’ll get to talk to their cohabitant, but the best you can really hope for is a few grunts during move-in.

Relax, this isn’t high school. You don’t need to do that shit anymore.

Wide-eyed 17-year-olds always think their relationship with their high school English teacher will last and should not be reported to authorities.

Trust us, it’s all downhill after those first few supply-and-demand graphs.

A popular prank since the ’60s that at this point is totally played out.

Many freshmen screw up by spending their first semester falling farther and farther from God’s light.

No one knows how freshmen get so much honey to form in their bodies, but it’s not a problem by your second year.

Communal showers are a breeding ground for pesky leg fungi, easily avoided with an inexpensive pair of latex shower pants.

Very few freshmen ever come back from a blunder of this scale.

Get your loose strands of hair from the freshman hair hole, newbie!

Every year, tens of thousands of college students make this fatal slipup and are killed by woke firing squads outside the dining hall.

Makes going back home for Thanksgiving a real drag.

The dorms are the tiny rooms with the beds.

Oftentimes students are so used to parents washing their clothes that they confuse home appliances and set fire to their off-campus housing.

The biggest regret most graduates have is that they didn’t spend enough time using the funky modern furniture featured in the brochure photos that lured them there in the first place.

Most freshmen don’t realize how rude it is to self-pleasure quietly, as if the person on the other side of the room isn’t good enough for their grunting.

We all do it, but it’s still embarrassing.

Seventy thousand dollars to make friends that will just leave you when they go to grad school? Sad.

You don’t want to develop a reputation for being cheap.

Between this and forgetting your copy of the monk Michael Sattler’s Schleitheim Confession, you can forget about getting invited to any parties.

This is partly your parents’ fault, but still, way to be a buzzkill!

No one has ever lived down the common but humiliating error of moving to Rhode Island.