WASHINGTON—In response to a sharp decline in readership since 2020, desperate Washington Post publisher Fred Ryan offered new subscribers a free hand job, sources confirmed Friday. “This limited-time offer to get your pud tugged by yours truly will be extended to all new and renewing subscribers until the end of the month,” said Ryan, explaining that he would reward those subscribed to the premium tier by spitting into his palm before starting the hand job. “This is your chance to gain access to our award-winning hand jobs. Any women who want to subscribe to our vaunted newspaper can obviously get finger banged as well, but it won’t be as good. I’m telling you that right now.” At press time, the Washington Post changed its motto to “Jacking You Off in Darkness.”