Conservatives Explain Why They Are Terrified Of New York City

“What if I get mugged by someone who isn’t white?”

“Four words: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

“It’s just too easy to accidentally wander into a bad area, establish yourself as a high-level drug lord, get into a beef with your rivals, and become another victim of gang violence.”

“There might be a third plane that’s been waiting for the right time to strike.”

“They never caught that Seinfeld guy.”

“Those animals will tear your mayoral campaign apart.”

“Those NYU kids will stop at nothing to cast you in their play.”

“My cousin went to New York, and nothing at all happened to him, which just proved how lucky he was.”

“The Brooklyn Bridge beat me up! The A train stole my wallet! The Statue of Liberty spit on me! Yankee Stadium got fentanyl on me! I’ll never go back to New York!”

“Fourteen bucks for a cocktail during happy hour.”

“If it weren’t for the Statue of Liberty welcoming immigrants, this country would still be populated by its indigenous white people.”

“Every moment you spend in New York City you run the risk of being assaulted by spicy food.”

“An obsession with public transportation is a sign of fascism. That’s why Mussolini always rode the subway.”

“No one seems to be worried about the giant green lady with the torch. What if she drops it and sets the city on fire?”

“Many people there are better looking than me.”

“Alec Baldwin.”

“Jews.”

“The profound immodesty of the Statue of Liberty.”

“Tall buildings acting like they’re better than me.”

“The pigeons have no fear. They just walk up to you like they want to fight. It’s unnatural…”

“It’s a violent, lawless sewer of aspiring Broadway actors, many of whom are triple threats.”

“The drag queens are ruthless and won’t hesitate to rip into you for even the tiniest fashion slip-up.”

“I haven’t really thought about it, and that’s just exactly how I’d like to keep it.”

“They boo me everywhere.”