Conservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is Convicted

“Probably just make lunch for the kids and go about my day. You realize what a small percentage of absolute psychos care enough about stuff like this to disrupt their own lives, right?”

“Get killed in the next Capitol riot.”

“I likely won’t hear about it for a while, as my husband decides what information from the outside world I should have access to.”

“Simple. I’ll get a law degree, pass the Bar, become a judge, get appointed to a federal seat, hear the case, and exonerate him. It’s the perfect plan.”

“I’ll lick a lightbulb. I don’t know why. It just feels right.”

“Watch a bunch of YouTube videos about what an injustice it is and whine a lot to my wife.”

“Probably waste a couple weekends practicing in a militia and then get bored of it when football season gets going.”

“I will quickly abscond to rural Canada and live out my days inside of a moose corpse.”

“Get all red-faced and fall down, just beating my hands against the ground and yelling until they stop prosecuting him.”

“I’ve been hiding in the walls of the White House for years waiting for this moment. Just say the word.”

“I would have to face reality and accept that Trump is a perfect, morally upstanding leader and the Justice Department is a cabal of pedophiles out to get him.”

“I’ll use the pandemonium to kill a few Jews without anyone realizing.”

“For the right price, I’ll take care of it.”

“I’ll probably text a few people.”

“Cry. Just weep for a thousand years. The tears will flow out of me like a long, steady rain. I will climb to the top of the mountain and yell, ‘WHEREFORE MY PRESIDENT?’ I will rend my garments. I will carve his name into my wrists and I will embrace the pain. I will search within my home for any medicine I can take in abundance that will finally absolve me of my guilty life. I will blame myself for allowing the president, MY president, to suffer untold horrors at the long arm of our sick and twisted law. I will never recover.”

“Kill Jared, kill the kids, and then kill myself.”

“My hose can probably squirt all the way to D.C. from here. No lawyer’s going to want to sit in a courtroom all day in a dripping wet suit.”

“I’ll follow the example of Voltaire and publish my scathing dissent in the Journal des sçavans.”

“Well, like most U.S. elites who commit many of the same financial crimes Trump does, I’ll probably start to worry I’ll also be held accountable someday.”

“I say I’ll do stuff like burn down the capitol but in reality, I’ll do nothing, because this is just an identity that I take on to feel like I belong.”

“Maybe that will finally be the moment I begin self reflecting, wondering if I’ve been brainwashed by decades of sensational conservative cable news and hyper-reactive online echo chambers into supporting a dangerous psychopath. Probably not though.”

“Okay, just to explain this for all the shitheads out there one more time: Just because I was in the Republican party doesn’t mean I’m conservative. It is a very different party today than it was when I was alive, and you wouldn’t think you have to keep repeating that to these fuckers, but guess what, you do! I mean, sure, if I were alive now, I’d probably be considered pretty conservative by today’s standards, but times change. Anyway, I’ll probably remain dead.”