With their large populations of unhoused people, minorities, and gays, liberal enclaves like New York and San Francisco have never been more dangerous to real, red-blooded Americans. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how they survive in the hellholes that are woke cities, and this is what they said.
“I preemptively pepper spray everyone sitting next to me on public transit.”
“I installed a Brita to filter out all of the wokeness from our tap water.”
“I never go below the 10th floor of any building I’m in, and I only travel by helicopter.”
“Carry a decoy wallet, drive a decoy car, and bring a decoy family.”
“I eat all the cake before the gay couples get their chance to order it for their wedding.”
“When I get too stressed, I squeeze the locket containing a photo of Tucker Carlson that I always keep in my pocket.”
“I have actually never set foot in a place with more than 5,000 people, but that just makes me more of an expert on how dangerous they all are.”
“It’s actually not that hard if you have like-minded work friends.”
“Years of tae kwon do classes have prepared me to roundhouse kick any man, woman, or child I suspect might be a drug addict.”
“Assuming a crouched position allows my chitinous exoskeleton to protect my fleshy underbelly.”
“I always make my kids’ lunches myself in case their school tries to sneak CRT into the cafeteria food.”
“I refuse to be potty-trained so I don’t have to share a bathroom with a trans person.”
“Fire. The most important thing is fire. You’d think it was food, but far more conservatives die from exposure to the elements.”
“If you need to make an escape, always remember that homeless people can climb faster than they can run.”
“I can’t describe it. The living conditions in Concord, New Hampshire are beyond imagination.”
“I burned down my house so rioters can never do it themselves.”
“Christian podcasts and cognitive dissonance.”
“I stay safe by living thousands of miles away and spitting exaggerated claims from afar.”