As conservatives continue to stress that implementing plans to reduce the causes of record hot temperatures, wildfires, and pollution infringes upon their liberties, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how climate hysteria violates their freedom, and this is what they said.
“I own my land, and I’ll make it an unlivable wasteland any way I see fit.”
“This country was founded on the idea that the world will crumble and it will be our doing.”
“I just think it’s crazy to get worked up about anything that isn’t a man in a dress.”
“After a long day at work, I just wanna kick back with a drink and burn 5 million barrels of crude oil. Is that too much to ask?”
“You can execute my children in front of me one by one, but I’m not doing meatless Mondays.”
“I have a constitutional right to get down on all fours like a puppy dog and, panting and barking, bury toxic waste in my backyard.”
“The wildfires are just due to forest mismanagement by our government, the same government that is mismanaging so many other areas that it’s collectively causing unprecedented climate change—wait.”
“A climate activist called me stupid once when I asked if Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs was real.”
“The government is trying to seize my Tesla and replace it with an electric car.”
“Don’t tell me what planets I can and can’t make inhospitable for future generations.”
“I just showed up to this slideshow cause one of these guys has a warrant for his arrest in the state of Kentucky.”
“We need to turn down the volume on the climate hysteria. Turn it down. It is too loud...the volume. The volume must be at, 80, 90, the loud volume. It is hurting my ears, how hysterical it is. It is like a jackhammer in my ears, in my mouth, in my nostrils. My nostrils are filled with loud noises, they are spilling into my ears. I can’t breathe...I can’t breathe, I am suffocating. I am choking on their loud volume, their harsh grating noises, their acrid and noxious foul-tasting sour noises that are burning me, burning me alive...”
“If we stop using fossil fuels, that means the dinosaurs sacrificed themselves in vain. Not on my watch.”
“This premise is bullshit. Freedom was destroyed long ago when man invented penicillin.”
“These climate hysterics TOOK MY WIFE AWAY FROM ME! They’re making me IMPOTENT! They made me invest ALL MY MONEY in a company that makes TV antennas that look like BULLHORNS. They lost all their money and now I am BROKE!!!!”
“Freedom is me getting to do whatever I want no matter what, even if it prevents other people from leading the lives they would like to.”
“Any red-blooded American should be able to concoct a makeshift rocket out of noxious chemicals and fire it directly at their enemy, the sun.”
“I hallucinated talking to some trees yesterday, and they said they’re fine.”
“It’s all one big government conspiracy to make me wear an ‘Earth Day is Every Day’ T-shirt.”
“I get to work every day by standing on a desolate piece of land until a spurt of oil erupts and flings me downtown. I don’t want to have to stop that and try to find parking.”
“They installed a wind turbine down my husband’s throat, and now everything he says is muffled.”
“Yeah, sure, what do you want, do you want me to just riff? Okay, sure, I think I can come up with something. Are we rolling? Okay, cool, here goes...”
“They want to take away our cars and replace them with a crouching naked man wearing a saddle.”
“In my professional opinion: Skoo-bee-doo-wop, ba-boo-ba-doo-bop, skabababa-bee op!”
“If we’re not allowed to eat beef anymore, then what the hell am I supposed to put in my ambrosia salad?”