RALEIGH, NC—Holding an all-hands meeting Tuesday morning to discuss first-quarter performance and set expectations for the rest of the year, local CEO Randall Schmidt reportedly outlined the challenges the company was facing due to his own insatiable greed. “These are tough times, given the economic realities of my $12 million annual salary and several million more in bonuses, which I unfortunately refuse to reduce no matter how the company performs, so I’m going to need everyone to work harder than ever,” said Schmidt, the head of software firm Woodland Systems, cautioning that the company might have to reduce head count due to his inflexible need to go on at least three lavish international trips per year. “Prevailing economic headwinds being what they are, we just have to face the reality that I want a second vacation home and there’s nothing I won’t do to get it. I’m hopeful that in the next fiscal quarter we’ll be able to get me a multimillion-dollar addition to my current home in the most exclusive gated community in the city, but my own unwavering avarice is really putting pressure on all of you to significantly increase your output over the next several months. We could be turning a corner here, but I need everyone to understand that we’re going to have to make some sacrifices to help fulfill all my wildest desires.” Schmidt added that although the company’s overall picture looked fairly bright, it still faced a number of long-term challenges stemming from the terrible business decisions he made over the past several years.