Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine

“Every day I take one hour to sit with a globe and look for Ukraine on it.”

“I’m currently in a crow’s nest in Odesa with a Barrett M82 sniper rifle and a case of loaded magazines. Any other questions?”

“I’ve been radiating signals of hope and compassion for Ukrainians, while at the same time sending mental disruption blasts toward oncoming Russian troops.”

“I’m pretty sure my new dog groomer is Polish.”

“Not a goddamn thing. Ukraine is as much to blame as any other country for Bonfire Of The Vanities tanking at the global box office.”

“I am putting together the old crew from “We Are The World” to record a new hit. I’m sure Michael will do it, not to mention my friends Ray Charles, Kenny Rogers, James Ingram, Waylon Jennings, Al Jarreau. You can smell the Grammys.”

“Zelensky is welcome to take shelter in my secret subterranean metropolis whenever he likes.”

“I have adopted every child orphaned by this senseless war, plus all the Ukrainian children who are not orphans.”

“I welcome any refugees who do lasso tricks to lay low for a bit inside my Dollywood Stampede Dinner Attraction.”

“I have two tote bags that I got from two different New Yorker subscriptions, one from the early ’90s, and one more recently. They are the exact same bag, though. So I’m donating one of them to the effort.”

“I hope I can be an inspiration to all Ukrainians to practice self-love and body positivity.”

“I have my own personal stockpile of nuclear warheads that I’ve offered to Zelensky should he need them.”

“I’m leaving my wife for a hot Ukrainian woman.”

“Our recent remake of Cheaper By The Dozen was largely an allegory for the ongoing conflict. If we can just get Vladimir Putin to watch the film, which is streaming now on Disney+, I think his army would put down its guns.”

“The best thing to do is to help people help themselves. So, Ukrainians, my advice is that you get off your lazy asses and work for your freedom.”

“I’m building MIM-104 surface-to-air missiles in my garage.”

“I actually called President Putin before the invasion and told him not to do it, and he assured me he wouldn’t. Looks like he and I have a hard conversation in front of us.”

“It’s horrific what’s happening in Ukraine. Father Stu is in theaters April 13.”