Celebrities Explain How Being Canceled Changed Them

“I’ve had to accept the fact that saying bigoted, hateful things has consequences, like additional fame, wealth, and influence.”

“I’ve learned who my real friends are, and I’m mean to them, too.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about how I absolutely will not change.”

“Being what? Wait, what did I do?”

“I do not have as much money as I used to.”

“Now, I only use homophobic slurs when I truly mean them.”

“As a white person, I’ve contemplated the racist history of the N-word and will never say it again on camera.”

“Why don’t you sit on my lap while I tell you about it?”

“Took off the wig. Problem solved.”

“I spent the entire time I was canceled learning how to play the guitar, but I still suck at it.”

“I now cook tomato sauce exclusively for other depraved perverts.”

“This hiatus has given me some much-needed time to think long and hard about the deep sea and the undiscovered creatures that reside therein.”

“I’m leaving fewer witnesses now.”

“I spend every waking moment consumed with guilt over my despicable and depraved deeds.”

“My hands get a little sweaty when an audience doesn’t welcome me with a standing ovation.”

“I’m trying to focus on being a terrible, flat actor in small theater roles.”

“I just want to take this opportunity to state for the record that I have never indulged in the exquisite pleasure of tasting the forbidden fruit that is human flesh.”

“My photo pops up now when you google ‘canceled celebrities,’ so that’s something.”

“I got really into borscht.”

“I haven’t been canceled yet but my agent is trying to book something for 2025.”

“It helped me realize that I care too much about what other people think. Just be yourself.”

“No hablo inglés.”