‘Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists’ Demands $10 Trillion Or It Will Destroy Earth By Setting Clock To Midnight

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CHICAGO—Daring world leaders to test its resolve in an address recorded late Wednesday night, the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists announced that if it did not receive $10 trillion in unmarked bills this week it would destroy the Earth by setting its clock to midnight. “Citizens of Earth, we have long served as stewards of your puny globe, safeguarding it from destruction with our Doomsday Clock, and today we demand you recognize our sacrifice with a simple monetary donation—say, $10 trillion?” said the publication’s president, Rachel Bronson, in a message delivered simultaneously to all 193 member states of the U.N., threatening to set the clock forward by one second for every hour that its demands were not met. “Since time immemorial, we overseers at the Bulletin have been responsible for averting countless catastrophes with this all-powerful timekeeping instrument, and now we ask: Will you be the generation that allows humanity to be extinguished for a measly few trillion dollars? You have heard our demands. My finger is already on the minute hand. Now what shall you do?” At press time, Bronson had stressed to world leaders that the Doomsday Clock was at 100 seconds to midnight before adding, “Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.”