BREAKING: This Is A Reminder That Your Appointment To Read ‘The Onion’ Is Scheduled For Today

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CHICAGO—Urging you to reply “yes” within the next half hour to confirm, sources issued a late-breaking reminder Monday that your appointment to read The Onion is scheduled for today. “This is a courtesy message reminding you that your appointment with TheOnion.com is today at 2 p.m.,” read the statement, which also reminded you that you were no longer within the 30-day grace period that would allow you to cancel without triggering a $50 rebooking fee, as per the terms and conditions you had reportedly signed. “We will hold your appointment for up to 10 minutes after the scheduled time; otherwise, the slot will be given to another reader interested in perusing TheOnion.com. In advance of this appointment, we advise you to prepare by signing up to receive The Onion’s daily newsletter in your inbox. Please have your ID in hand before clicking the link. Thank you.” At press time, sources reminded you that The Onion does not accept website insurance at this time.