Biggest Revelations From The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Trial

After six weeks of constant analysis and content, the verdict is in: We are as a people simply too impatient, stupid, and psychologically stunted to be discussing this trial at all.

Though who knows, give it time.

Some might assume it was a fraught one, but this trial has really shown how easy it is to get to the bottom of domestic violence allegations.

It’s good to find positives where you can.

We’d always wondered.

It’s rare, but it has been known to happen.

In a devastating blow to Heard’s case, the man closest to her said under oath that he never saw himself strike her.

If you think Heard and Depp are caustic and unhinged, try looking in the mirror.

Johnny Depp’s loss is your gain.

No one knows what you’re talking about when you say ‘Ambjo,’ either.

News of her unhinged behavior went viral after it was revealed that Heard willfully defecated in the privacy of Depp’s bathroom.

They hang out sometimes and occasionally even enter into relationships with one another.

They all prefer to be called John now.

Can we all just take a moment to acknowledge this truth, that relationships are hard work?

Who knew?

Full speed ahead!

You could have sworn he was dead when you accidentally ran him over on the night of Jan. 3, 2017, and then accidentally backed over him again. But the ol’ bastard is apparently still ticking.

Isn’t that nuts? We got bored watching the trial and started reading about shrimp on the internet.

It’s a nice silver one with a crank handle on the side. We’ve sent several messages over the past few years with no response yet.

In shocking testimony, one of Amber Heard’s maids confirmed that humanity will never get to the bottom of the qualitative-quantitative split and a material explanation for the arising of consciousness due to limitations inherent to the human mind.

The house would be a tropical beach house and we would have 16 servants and we would recreate the ice dance scene from Edward Scissorhands and kiss and never fight.

Apparently, you can lead a lavish lifestyle simply by being incredibly popular in show business.

The reason Depp’s fingertip was severed is disputed, but the fact that he needed surgery confirms his inability to sprout new appendages like a newt, salamander, or starfish.

Nothing more relatable than physical and psychological abuse of those close to us.

Probably the main takeaway here.

Look at that Comscore go, go, go!