Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July

Every year he says he’s got the hookup for genuine M-80s, and every year he’s full of shit.

Personal websites would in fact not exist for another two centuries.

While overhead explosions were used in some battles, most campaigns were won with sparklers.

Despite popular belief, you’re supposed to lose at least three fingers and one of your legs after playing with fireworks, as this is a Fourth of July tradition.

The document was actually signed a month later to give John Adams, who was illiterate, time to learn how to write his name.

They were exactly the same, you dunderhead.

This problematic myth ignores the grim fact that the Founding Fathers refused to share their beer and funnel cakes with the local indigenous population.

As with most crowd reactions, the verbal reactions to fireworks were recorded 70 years ago and continue to be in use today.

Sorry, we’re going to need you to work a double shift.

Nope, save those costumes for Labor Day.

Partially true. On July 4, such felonies are reduced to misdemeanors.

They actually become Senate pro tempore.

They’re fine.

The Flag Code found in 4 U.S.C. § 8 clearly states intercourse with the Stars and Stripes is only permitted between Aug. 14 and 17.

Many Americans still believe, year after year, that Uncle Trey will follow through on his lofty promises to obliterate stuff he found in the garage. Maybe this is the year he finally does.

Nobody knows exactly when the Declaration of Independence was written, because Thomas Jefferson forgot to date it.

You never got the invitation? Weird. Maybe they added an extra letter to your email address or something. Sorry about that.

There’s always a grand finale right after a slightly too long lull.

It sucks. Just watch a movie and try to keep your dog calm.