WASHINGTON—Telling his counterpart that he was losing patience with the stalled counteroffensive, President Joe Biden reportedly warned Volodymyr Zelensky Thursday that if the Ukrainian president couldn’t win the war against Russia, the United States would overthrow him and replace him with someone who would. “Our patience is running pretty thin, bud, and if you can’t hack it against Putin, America won’t hesitate to orchestrate a coup against you and install somebody who can get the job done,” Biden said in a phone call to Zelensky, adding that the U.S. State Department already had two other guys lined up to assume the presidency in Ukraine. “Pick up the pace, man. We’ve given you how many tens of billions of dollars, and for what, retaking a couple bridges? When we started supporting you, we figured you’d get this wrapped up in six months or so, yet here we are a year and a half later and nothing doing. Sure, you’re a pretty boy on the battlefield, but there are a lot of pretty boys around here, you feel me? We can have Letterman over there interviewing some puppet in a hoodie at the drop of a hat. You think I’m bluffing? We helped put you there in 2019, so don’t think we won’t help take you out in October 2023. Look, man, it’s nothing personal. This is just the cost of running a hegemonic global superpower, and you knew that when you threw in with us. Get it together, or else.” Biden reportedly finished the call by telling the Ukrainian president that if he so much as whispered the words “peace negotiations,” the official U.S. replacement plan would have the Mariinskyi Palace surrounded by Zelensky’s own army in no time flat.