ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a new study confirming a long-held hypothesis about early human societies, a paper published Friday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research concluded that ancient cultures used psychedelics to increase productivity within their startup companies. “In the fifth millennium BCE, workers in the highly competitive environment of the Tigris–Euphrates River Valley consumed psychoactive plants and magic mushrooms in an attempt to boost their creativity and disrupt their local marketplace,” said the study’s lead author, Rodney Hughes, observing that thousands of years before that, hunter-gatherers appeared to have used psychedelics in the hope they could enhance their work performance and bring more out-of-the-box thinking to their foraging practices. “All evidence suggests that psilocybin, far from forming part of a spiritual practice or religious ritual, was actually microdosed by ancient Sumerians trying to come up with innovative ways to soft-launch their pottery startups and, hopefully, attract the interest of venture bartering firms.” The paper stresses that psychedelics served other purposes as well, noting that many early human ingested them with the sole aim of getting totally fucked up.