Following an attack in which Hamas killed more than 1,200 Israelis and took an estimated 199 hostage, Israel has retaliated by killing thousands of Palestinians; cutting off water, fuel, and electricity; and ordering over 1.1 million citizens to evacuate from North Gaza. Amid the violence, death, and countless violations of the Geneva conventions, The Onion asked Americans how they are ignoring the conflict between Israel and Hamas, and this is what they said.
“I ignored the Vietnam War, so this should be easy.”
“I’m pretty busy harassing mosques.”
“How can I possibly be expected to think about ethnic cleansing in the Middle East when we’ve got ethnic cleansing to do right here in America!”
“Oh, I have decades of practice.”
“Ignore? I made a post about how it’s a very complicated issue, so I think I’ve earned the right to check out completely.”
“I guess I haven’t heard a compelling argument as to why I should care about human life.”
“Anytime I see something about it on social media or the news, my translucent third eyelids extend over my irises and obscure both imagery and text.”
“Wait, I thought the Russian-Ukrainian War was the one I was supposed to be ignoring.”
“I only look at pre-1947 world maps.”
“I try to maintain a prejudice with the belief neither Israel or Palestine should exist.”
“I’ve been trying a hybrid approach where I ignore it but also somehow argue about it online a bunch.”
“I’m focusing all my hate on trans people for now.”
“I only watch old episodes of the news.”
“Every time I think about commenting, I ask myself what would Jesus do and then continue to pretend like it isn’t happening.”
“Now that America’s celebrities have all weighed in, we can finally move on.”
“With the holidays coming up, I can’t risk forming an opinion around family.”
“I’m busy preparing for the upcoming War on Christmas.”
“I’ve already decided which races deserve basic human rights.”