CHICAGO—Admitting that the late nights in dark bars were finally catching up with him, aging local rock musician Jesse Thomas reported Thursday that it was time for him to grow up and get a real job as a jazz musician. “You get to a certain point in your life when you realize it might be time to give up on your childish dream of becoming a rock star and shift to a more mature career path, like jazz,” said Thomas, solemnly removing his bandana and replacing it with a porkpie hat. “It’s definitely been fun going out every night and writhing around on stage, but the truth is, my body can’t handle that anymore. It just makes sense to get a job where I’d be seated most of the time, doing little more than bobbing my head along with a walking bass line. Time to trade in the tight pants for an ill-fitting suit and start hanging out in a completely different type of bar.” At press time, Thompson reportedly was pleased to find that his new job allowed him to continue doing heroin.