GREEN BAY, WI—Downplaying his team’s 23-7 week-one loss to the Minnesota Vikings, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday the rough start to the season was just part of the normal ups and downs of a massive global conspiracy. “Look, things didn’t break our way last Sunday, but that’s the reality when you’re living in the inescapable grasp of a shadowy cabal of entrenched elites who decide everything before it happens and control our movements,” said Rodgers, who attributed his own lackluster performance—throwing no touchdowns and one interception—to the regular difficulties of getting adjusted to a new season in a world where a surveillance system run by malevolent rogue actors is constantly working to interfere with your psychological grip on reality and leave you unable to process anything but fear. “We weren’t really able to establish a consistent passing game in the face of the Vikings defense and the global military-industrial complex, so credit to both of those entities for bringing the pressure. We just have to focus on what we control, which is basically nothing in light of the massive hegemonic system that is ultimately judge, jury, and executioner to us all, and get those wrinkles ironed out before week two. Do I expect us to execute the passing game to be better this Sunday? Yes. Do I think our defense has been infiltrated by lizard people who are in thrall to the deep state and potential double agents of the Chicago Bears? Also yes. But ultimately you’ve just got to take it one game at a time.” Rodgers added that he hoped for a more positive result in this weekend’s game against the Bears, but understood that a lot of dominoes had to fall for the global conspiracy to exercise its agenda in favor of the Packers, and the receiving corps also needed time to develop into a cohesive unit.