Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion hung out with pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna to get a window into a typical week in her life.
Sunday: “Most Sunday mornings I get going by watching Battleship, studying the performances of the rest of the cast, and trying to figure out how they managed to fuck that up for me.”
Monday: “This is the day that I capture, kill, and freeze all the bluefin tuna that I’ll consume over the coming week.”
Tuesday: “Ugh. Terrible day. I spent most of the afternoon begging the brand manager at Target to start carrying Fenty.”
Wednesday: “Every Wednesday I record an incredible new album and then throw it in the trash.”
Thursday: “Falconry. They’re so free, and yet they return to the glove each time, when they’re ready. Back and forth. Back and forth. Soaring and returning. They’re so fucking stupid.”
Friday: “Pizza night!”
Saturday: “None of my friends were around, so I just ordered in nachos and binged Criminal Minds, until I realized it was 9, and I’d wasted the whole day in bed. Wow—thank God I’m already rich and successful.”
Sunday: “I take a solo trip back to the place I can reset and connect with my roots: Wilmington, Delaware. Whether it’s the sight of the Rockford Tower or some leisurely shopping at the Greenville mall, this ritual reminds me of who I am.”