Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson to provide a window into a typical week in their lives.
Sunday:
Kim: “Pete helps me study for the bar exam by doing something illegal and asking me to serve as his defense attorney.”
Monday:
Pete: “On even weeks, I get a tattoo. On odd weeks, I remove a tattoo.”
Tuesday:
Pete: “I went to see my therapist in the morning, then spent the rest of my day calling everyone I know to apologize for everything I did last week.”
Wednesday:
Pete: “Wednesday is the day I perform on Saturday Night Live.”
Thursday:
Kim: “Every Thursday night we set time aside to have simultaneously the weirdest and most boring sex you can imagine.”
Friday:
Kim: “Despite the tension between Pete and Kanye, we all meet up for our weekly bar trivia night at O’Halligan’s. We haven’t lost a game this year.”
Saturday:
Kim: “Family is everything, so I’m really protective about having an uninterrupted family dinner from 6:35 to 6:43 p.m. every Sunday.”
Sunday:
Pete: “We grab brunch with Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox at the Westchester Country Club. We won’t say who, but someone drank a little too much of Machine Gun Kelly’s blood.”